A Parrot and An Iguana Walk Into the Kitchen…

April 4, 2016

My clients will probably be glad to hear I do not watch daytime TV. I spent 25 years on a trading desk on Wall Street where the entire trading room floor was covered with more TVs than a sports bar. Each TV was tuned to either a news or a business channel so we could trade on whatever opportunity the news presented. As those who have visited our offices know, our method of managing money and seeking opportunities is very different from that of a trading firm. I do not miss the bombardment of noise coming from the daily TV programs, but I was surprised this week when I took my car for its annual emission test and saw the latest champion of daytime TV.

While I was waiting nervously to find out whether my car was adding to our global warming crisis, I was quickly sucked into the latest daytime hit: TV shows from the courtroom. You might know that this genre involves celebrity judges dispensing sage advice and quick verdicts. In short order, I witnessed the most entertaining twelve minutes of TV I have seen for a while.

The case surrounded an exotic pet party, a missing parrot, an iguana, and an added dash of alcohol. The plaintiff was the owner of the missing parrot. At the party were other owners of exotic pets, including the defendant and his pet iguana. Upon entering her kitchen, the plaintiff discovered the crime scene: an open and empty parrot cage, exotic feathers littering the room, droplets of blood,  an open window, and of course, a missing parrot. Our parrot owner was accusing the iguana owner of some lethal skullduggery. Who had opened the bird cage? Why was the iguana out of his cage?

Much circumstantial evidence was discussed. The judge was determined to get to the truth. The defendant put up a simple, and apparently watertight, defense stating that it was impossible for his iguana to have killed the parrot because iguanas are herbivores. This was the famous herbivore defense – perfect! How could the plant eating iguana have attacked the bird?  At last a defense not based around a glove being too small.

At this point my car had passed, but I must admit, I had fallen heavily into the daytime TV trap.  I had to wait for the verdict. Without much pause, the judge ruled with a slam of her gavel, “ruling in favor of the plaintiff : judgment of $1,100.”

So what lessons can be learned from this poignant pet palaver? For me there is an easy answer – if I ever walk into a party where parrots and iguanas are present, I will leave immediately. Beyond the obvious, I did further research on this genre of TV shows. To say they are profitable is a gross understatement. The show hosted by a grandmother named Judy has generated $1.7 billion in revenue since it began in 1996, with an average daily viewership of 9 million people. In comparison, CNBC, the choice of business viewers averages 200,000 viewers. Maybe the markets are not so fascinating after all.

Carl Gambrell